Voice Week – The Crime – Part 2

This is the second of five pieces I have written for voice week. Each piece is based on the same prompt but told using a different character’s voice. I decided to use my own prompt for voice week.

The Crime – Part 2

It was usually safer walkin to the car on my own then havin Jerry from security with me. Just the thought of him made my skin crawl. If his hand accidentally slipped and landed on my ass one more time, I was gonna break his damned fingers. I handed a cup of tea to old Ernie, the stink of him was awful but his toothless smile made it worth it. Then I raced to my piece of shit car, hoping like hell it started. I shivered and wished I owned a decent jacket as I fumbled with my keys. I nearly shit myself when I heard someone come up behind me. Then it was as if the world stopped movin.

What do you think of this character’s voice? What does the piece tell you about the character?

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About Billie Jo Schinnerer

Born and raised on the edge of the Helderberg Escarpment in eastern New York. Formerly a primary and middle school teacher. Moved to the North West area of England in 2003. Now a mother of three and a wannabe author.
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22 Responses to Voice Week – The Crime – Part 2

  1. She’s low class, but kindly. I like that you use the word ‘stink’ rather then a gentler word. And she has a POS for a car and no jacket…so we know she’s poor. Probably not a nurse, since they make bank – in the US anyway. So maybe an aid? Or a housekeeper? (I had to check back to see if you were outside a hospital, as I seemed to recall.)
    Not a mosquito? Okay, I thought you were pulling one over on us. LOL!!

    • Sometimes I go for the twist and sometimes I write straight forward but people look for the twist. Keeps people guessing! 😉

      I think you pretty much got everything there was to get about her. She is poor, from working class people, works as a nurses aide and she has a good heart. Glad she came across as I imagined her.

  2. Mike says:

    Another great read.
    The victim – seems as though her role is short lived.
    A kindly person, not a lot of money and a boyfriend/husband waiting at home.
    She’s just finished work, keen to get home, doesn’t need security, probably thinks nothing bad could ever happen to someone ordinary like her.
    Looking forward to Wednesday.

  3. scribbla says:

    Tough on the outside, soft on the inside. Poor education. Poor. Not a great job.
    I’m rather intrigued by the idea that she appears streetsmart but got taken so quickly and easily. It says lot about the hunter’s skill.

  4. I get a feel of the narrator’s forceful personality like this, like she won’t take any BS from anyone. I love the ‘movin’ and ‘havin’ because they add that distinct voice and you know she’s not some prissy girl or anything, that she’s probably low-class but the forcefulness of her voice adds that tough edge. Very nice!

  5. yikici says:

    Billie Jo, what a fab voice! I love these lines: ‘If his hand accidentally slipped and landed on my ass one more time, I was gonna break his damned fingers’…’the stink of him was awful but his toothless smile made it worth it’…’I nearly shit myself when I heard someone come up behind me’ They all conjure up a tough, independent, kind-hearted woman with go-get-’em attitude. Nice! 😀

  6. writingsprint says:

    She’s a student from the college of hard knocks, but she still has a kind heart. The tea says a lot to me. I generally think “coffee” for cold weather, but she knows the gentleman well enough to know his name and what he likes to drink!

  7. This character is not only evident in the way she talks, but in what she does and thinks. I agree with all above me – tough, poor, but caring. I wouldn’t say uneducated, though – the colorful language and droppin’ of Gs seemed more background, choice, and personality than ignorance. She seemed intelligent and capable.

    Fantastic job.

    • I did see her as having a bit of a regional accent that working class people in her area used. she also went to community college during the day to try and get her nursing degree. She didn’t want to be a nurses aide anymore.

  8. Pingback: Voice Week – The Crime – Part 2 | Out of the Woods « Voice Week HQ

  9. Selena says:

    I can certainly tell what kind of girl this is. You portrayed this tough, poor but proud girl quite well. Great job!

  10. alltimescout says:

    I agree with the comments above! tough, independent, caring and poor! good job 🙂

  11. robinhawke says:

    I know she’s complained to hospital administration about the parking lot. Great character, Robin

  12. otakufool says:

    OH NO!!! I love that she’s not the typical victim 😀 great job

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