Voice Week – The Crime – Part 3

This is my third of five pieces written for voice week. Each of the pieces is based on the same prompt but told using a different character’s voice.

The Crime – Part 3

I straightened my name badge and put on more Brut. Beth hadn’t left the hospital yet. She hadn’t called down for an escort either. I’d walk her to her car anyway. That girl had a wiggle. Only girls with curves in all the right places walk like that. I glanced at camera 1, she was handing our resident bum a hot drink. I could practically see through her uniform. She must have been freezing.  I scooped up my coat and opened the booth but she had already gone. I frantically searched the cameras for her. Camera 4 showed her body writhing about on the ground as if fighting against somebody. I phoned for backup then rushed to her, it was too late, the sicko had left her to die.

What does the voice of this piece tell you about the character?


About Billie Jo Schinnerer

Born and raised on the edge of the Helderberg Escarpment in eastern New York. Formerly a primary and middle school teacher. Moved to the North West area of England in 2003. Now a mother of three and a wannabe author.
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20 Responses to Voice Week – The Crime – Part 3

  1. Mike says:

    So this is the sleazeball and groper. I love the bit about ‘put on more Brut’ – sums him up nicely.
    He obviously makes a daily habit of watching the cameras for her, mentally undressing her, before he ‘escorts her to her car’. This Voice fits in exactly to the image that Voice 1 conveyed at the start of this tale.
    I was intrigued at the end by the words -‘left her to die’ – does this mean she might live?
    Another great read Billie Jo.
    Looking forward to tomorrow.

  2. First off, you already succeded in making us not like him, because we like her, and SHE doesn’t like him. She prefers a stinky bum to this guy…that says a lot.
    Although he was bringing her his coat, (or WAS he) which is nice. But probably self-serving. Then, instead of running right out to her when he sees her struggling, he calls for backup. Now, some might say that’s wise…and they’d probably be correct. But it might have been the few seconds that made the difference. And could be interpreted as cowardly.
    Good job, Billie Jo.

  3. scribbla says:

    Damn! Beaten again. Both Mike and Cynthia have made the points that I wanted to. I had to start chuckling when I read ‘put on more Brut.’ That says it all. The pieces of the story and characters are falling into place well now. I guess one impression I can add is that this guy is young.

  4. Janece says:

    Like the others, I find the “Brut” a real asset into getting into this guys head (and smell. LOL)

    It’s funny….while this guy is a groper and all that, I feel a hint of real concern and care in him for this woman. The junxtaposition between the very male comment about seeing through her clothes, and yet, a more nurturing thought: She must have been freezing.

    This guy calling the perp a “sicko” was a nice touch, too! Gave me more compassion for him 🙂

  5. hahahah, of course he wears Brut.The beginning was really good, fit with what you had us already imagining about this guy. But (constructive criticism) I felt the ending was little rushed -obviously 100 words or so is hard to work with, and I have no idea how it could be improved, so maybe this isn’t that constructive after all.

    • Great criticism and in fact his narrative was my longest out of them all. It was originally 200 words and most of that was related to the attack and what he did after. I cut a lot of that out last night. Perhaps some of it should have remained. Thanks Craig!

  6. yikici says:

    What a great bit of writing! The imagery was vivid it was a delight. His voice is extremely believable. I now guess the homeless person will be next but haven’t the foggiest about Fridays voice.

  7. writingsprint says:

    Other than Brut — which is one hell of a detail, like Hai Karate or Drakkar — I liked the emotionlessness of his response to the attack. Someone just died or was assaulted and there’s no fury. This guy does a job. He isn’t a real protector.

  8. Pingback: Voice Week – The Crime – Part 3 | Out of the Woods « Voice Week HQ

  9. He feels like a guy who thinks more of himself than anybody else does. Like the bit about straightening his name badge. He fancies himself pretty cool as a law enforcement officer. And I agree with the folks above me.

  10. robinhawke says:

    He scoops up the coat to wear it himself…I’d bet money on that. It’s part of his uniform.

    Got him! Good job, Robin

  11. otakufool says:

    Oh my gosh! Man, I’m so worried about her, I barely care about this guy! Great job!

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